No one knows whose idea exactly was for Google to christen every new Android version with the name of a scrumptious dessert starting with 1.5 Cupcake, but we’re sure grateful it happened. I mean, can you imagine what feeble marketing impact Android 4.0 would have had were it not to be associated with the coolness and tastiness of an ice cream sandwich?
And what about the media shock Big G produced when taking the wraps off Android 4.4 KitKat at a time everyone expected Key Lime Pie? That was marketing brilliance at its finest and, while a mobile ecosystem’s strength shouldn’t rely on such tricks, it makes for cool stories, anecdotes and a sense of, I don’t know, uniqueness.
Bottom line, Android probably wouldn’t have risen to today’s popularity heights sans its yummy codenames, so as we near the year’s end and product releases and major, interest stories get pushed back until January, I’d like to take the liberty of publishing a fluff piece. For once.
Some may even call the following lines silly. But hey, I’d take silly over edgy, tense and uber-somber any time and I hope you can allow yourselves to do the same at least so close to “the season to be jolly”. Thus, not expecting anyone to take them too seriously, here are my predictions for Android’s future codenames:
L – Android 5.0 Lollipop? Lemon Meringue Pie? Lava Cake? Lemon Cheesecake?
Too many choices. And all so delicious. Besides, with Key Lime Pie out of the mix, the doors are wide open for a different kind of pie in the future. Will it be lemon meringue? It’s possible, but here’s a wild theory.
What if Google were to extend its collaboration with Nestlé and go for another of their products immediately after KitKat? How does Android 5.0 Lion Bar sound? Arguably not great, but what better way to let Apple know you mean business than partner up with the king of the jungle? Hopefully, Tim Cook & co. are yet to patent the word “lion” following their dubbing of a Mac OS release that way.
M – Marshmallow, macaroon, meringue, milkshake, mousse, muffin?
Android Muffin has a fantastic ring to it, but my final choice is Milkshake. Can you picture it? Big press conference at Google’s headquarters, fireworks, blinding lights, smoke, and out comes Kelis singing “My Android brings all the boys to the yard/And they’re like/It’s better than yours (Apple)/ Damn right it’s better than yours/I can teach you/But I have to charge”.
N – Nougat, noodle, nectarine, Nutella
Another tough choice, but for all the wrong reasons. Nougat is nasty and bad for your teeth, nectarines are, well, fruits, so not real desserts, “noodle” is too vague a term, and Nutella… wait a minute, Nutella’s good. Right, so Android 6.0 Nutella? I’m sold.
O – Oreo, orange, oatmeal cookie
No contest. Oreos are simply the best. But should Android taste more like the cream part or the cookie?
P – Peppermint, popsicle, pudding, pancake, peanut butter, pie, pecan pie, pumpkin pie, peach, plum
Let’s rule the fruits out again right off the bat, the pancake and peanut butter as well (too basic for the year 2020, when Android 8.0 will power robots and drones), and stick with pies, peppermint and popsicle. Popsicle after ice cream sandwich? Not likely, and if Lemon Meringue Pie ends up designating 5.0, peppermint is all we have left.
Q – Quick bread, queen cake, quiche, quince
Q ain’t a real letter and quiche ain’t a real dessert, so talk about a match made in heaven.
R – Raisin bread, rice pudding, rhubarb pie, red velvet cake, rocky road
Pie again? Rice pudding, or the “healthy” (read: lame) alternative to ice cream? Hell no, so we’re stuck with rocky road, despite being similar to ice cream sandwich.
S – Strawberry, sundae, strawberry delight, s’more, scotcheroo, Snickers
After years of harmonious cooperation between Google and Nestlé, Apple, now inches close to bankruptcy, gets desperate and asks the world-renowned food and beverage producer to join Cupertino in an attempt to snatch away Android’s gold crown. Big G retaliates, partners with Mars and launches Android 10.0 Snickers. The year is 2030 and, as always, Snickers trumps Kit Kat. I mean, it has nougat, caramel, milk chocolate and peanuts.
T – Twinkie, tart, tapioca pudding, toffee, truffle, taffy, tiramisu
Golden Sponge Cake with Creamy Filling. That’s how a twinkie is marketed. Enough said.
U – Upside-down cake, upside down pudding
What’s better than cake? Upside down cake, where you chop fruits and add butter and sugar on the bottom of the pan before pouring in the batter, then bake the thing and turn it over to reveal the decorative topping, all yummy, juicy and scrumptious. Mom, I’m hungry!
V – Vanilla, vanilla pudding, vanilla cream pie, vanilla ice cream
The buzz-building possibilities are endless here, as long as Tom Cruise, Penelope Cruz and Cameron Diaz keep their looks beyond their sixties. Or maybe someone will clone a younger version of Vanilla Ice to bust a move at the rollout of Android 11.3 Vanilla Pudding. Ice ice baby!
W – Waffle, waffle cone, watermelon
Look, I hate fruits as much as the next overweight guy that likes to dip his chocolate bars in chocolate, but if robots don’t take over the world and global warming and trans fats don’t kill us, Google may not have much of a choice and be forced to go with Android Watermelon. I mean, Android Waffle? That sounds almost as horrible as Android Éclair.
X – Xanthan gum, xylocarp, xigua (Chinese for watermelon), ximenia, xtremely delicious cake, xtra scoop of ice cream, Xanax… So yeah, I got nothing.
Y – Yogurt, yellow cake, Yoo-hoo
Yogurt is gay (not in that sense), yellow cake would be such an easy target for puns, so Yoo-hoo it is. And yes, I know, technically, it’s a beverage, not a dessert. But have you any idea how fat you can get from only drinking Yoo-hoos? That makes it qualify as a food in my book.
Z – Zabaglione, zebra cake, zebra brownie
Pop quiz. Without Googling it first, what exactly is a zabaglione? Don’t know? Then it’s safe to rule it out, unless the Italians somehow take over the world. Zebra cake? Zebra brownie? Both sound ridiculous, so let’s wrap it up by reminding you this was all just a silly game. You don’t really think we’ll live to catch the day Android Z sees daylight, do you? Not if we keep talking about sweets, we won’t.